Day 36: The Weight of Responsibility

Where do I begin? I told you all in an Instagram video this morning that I would explain my lack of presence on all of my social platforms, and my lack of blog posts for days 32-35.

But I don't know how to say it. Not all of it. Not the biggest parts of it. Something happened this week that ripped me to pieces as a mom, and I can't bring myself to share it with you all.

What I can share is the story of this week from beginning to end, the best that I can. In another Instagram post on Monday, I told my followers that my household had been battling a cold all weekend and I had a ton of work and house cleaning to catch up on. The boys and I had, in fact, been sick all weekend. Andy had it the worst. Coughing, headache, congestion, fever, up all night... the works. Lack of sleep for sick boys means lack of sleep for mama, and the germs were plentifully shared with me.

All parents know it is really hard to take care of sick kiddos when you yourself are just as sick. But we keep on truckin', right?

So Monday the boys were feeling a bit better and were able to go to school. I did get a good bit of cleaning done, got caught up on an article that needed revision for publishing, and prettied up the blog site a bit.

A long time friend of mine called later that evening asking if I wanted to work out. Earlier in this year she and I started the 21 day fix. I dieted and made it through two rounds of the program and I was making HUGE progress. I looked and felt great. But then when I left my job to be a SAHM, our schedules began to conflict, so we stopped.

We have been talking for a while now about picking it back up again, but never got around to it. So when she asked, I decided it was time to start. I thought if I didn't start now, I'd keep making excuses. I was still feeling a little bleh, but I thought I could make it through the workout.

I could not make it through the work out.

Halfway in, I was dizzy, lightheaded, clammy, and had spotty vision. I sat out the rest of the workout and then went home to shower. After that day, I realized I had pushed myself way too far. The cold kept getting worse as the week wore on, rather than better. The cough has been unbearable, and I was so sore from just half a workout that my legs were swollen and sensitive to even the lightest touch. The cold had really taken it out of me, much worse than I thought. I was so tired all week, and still am, really. I mainly slept this week, and vegged out when I was awake. Dinners were halfhearted, bedtime was rushed, and I just had no energy.

On top of this, I have still been dragging along my troubles from last week. By Wednesday, I was feeling no better and suddenly Anthony started to get worse, too. Wednesday night his fever spiked the way Andy's had, and he woke frequently through the night with nosebleeds.

My whole world was turmoil all week, and got no better by Thursday. When the thing happened. Again, I won't say it. I can't. It doesn't belong here.

But it is making me question everything. Its making me question myself, my kids, my parenting, my life choices... everything I thought I knew. I feel like a bad mom. I feel like I'm out of control. I feel destroyed. And I'm scared.

I feel like I have been carrying a weight. Here's what I have concluded today.

We all carry a weight. The weight is responsibility. Responsibility as a parent, as a daughter or son, as a spouse, as an employee, and as human beings. We all carry the weight of responsibility, and it gets heavier and heavier with time.

Here's the thing... we have two choices when it comes to that weight. We all sometimes become overwhelmed by the weight, and that's when fear creeps in. Fear of failure. Fear of pain. Fear of loss of control. All kinds of fear... and our fears would love nothing more than to take the weight of responsibility right off of our shoulders. While the lifted weight may feel like a relief, it's short lived. When we let fear take that weight from us, we let fear take control of our lives. When that happens, fear takes everything you ever dreamed of, every hope for the future, every thing you love, and every thing you ever worked for, and drives it straight through the ground and into the pits of hell.

Our other choice is to carry the weight. To keep pushing forward, maneuver the obstacles... occasionally pause for breath... but keep going. With time, that weight will make us stronger. Just like lifting weights in the gym. We become stronger. A little more weight is added, and it makes us that much stronger. We overcome obstacles and the weight becomes a little lighter. Then, more responsibility is added. This is the pattern of life. It's meant to be this way. We are meant to be strong, to be brave, and to face and overcome things we thought we never could.

I had a discussion with a friend this week through a live Facebook video about the song "Man in the Mirror" by Michael Jackson.

In the video she said "Your mind is so strong, and so powerful.... you can become what you picture in your mind. We have total control over what we become.... if you picture yourself and how you want to be, if you don't match that image in the mirror, view that image as a goal."

To which I replied:

"Our minds are the true voice of our soul. That vision of yourself in your mind is your true self. Our journey through this life is becoming that truest form of ourselves, so that eventually that reflection in the mirror represents who we truly are. That's balance; synchronicity."

I may have answered my own problems here.

So I got up today, and I took my frustrations and fears out on my house. I cleaned the dickens out of this house. Cool weather has once again graced us with its presence, so I opened the doors and aired out as I furiously swept, mopped, dusted, washed, and scrubbed anything I could get my hands on.

This week I am overwhelmed by the weight of responsibility. It's making me question myself as a person, as a sister, as a daughter, as a granddaughter, as a wife....

But most importantly as a Mother.

I may feel broken and destroyed by the weight that has been added this week. I may feel the muscles of my mind, body, and soul tearing a part at the seams... but from these tears, within the sinew of tendon, muscle, and bone, I will become stronger. I will become better. I will become more like that image in my mind of myself. I will look in the mirror and see the truest parts of me reflected back in the image that I see.

This is my journey. I am sharing it with you all. Tonight I am defeated. I will drink cheap rum, watch movies, and enjoy the cool air. Then, in the morning I will take up my weight again and I will overcome. I will adapt, regroup, and move forward. I will persevere.

Positive Vibes,

Stacy.