Day 46: Second Chances

It has been over a week since I made a blog post, and I have not been very active on any social platforms for quite some time. There is a purpose behind this. It's called "Getting my shit together."

So once again, baby tomatoes, lets "ketchup" ;) (that never gets old to me)

I have shared with you all how I have been struggling for a few weeks now, and after starting this journey and making the decision to share it with you, I have found myself in a state of constant change, in life and in a personal aspect. I thought 2015 was bad... and that's not to say it wasn't. I just thought, for some reason, that this year would be some magical, perfect year. I didn't realize just how much the life changing events from last year would bleed into this ENTIRE year, leaving it all in a huge upheaval.

It's not just affecting me, but it's affecting my boys. My number one priority, the loves of my life. They are struggling so badly, fighting demons that I didn't know they were... at only 5 and 6 years old. I started to panic. What kind of mother am I really? How could I not see their struggle? How can I return to work now when they need me the most? What have I done to affect them so? What could I have done better? How can I change it now, how can I help them? What do they really see when they are watching me? In those moments I turn my back and let my guard slip... what are they seeing? How does it affect them?

Sometimes I drive myself crazy with everything, and other times just accepting it and hakuna matata-ing my way through each day. Regardless, when I started the stay at home mom journey, I didn't realize how short lived it would be. I certainly never imagined that I would be starting over as a waitress in the same little restaurant that I worked for when I was 17 years old.

I started to really resent all of it the past few weeks. I would try to force myself to be okay with it and to get over it. I have done a lot of couch sitting and sleeping and feeling sorry for myself. I get on here and I preach to you all about self care and the meaning of life, and then I feel like a giant phony and curl back up on the couch.

Not today. I have done a lot of thinking, and I have come to a conclusion of sorts. I have decided to view what feels like 30 steps backwards, as a retracing of my steps. I left a really decent job this year, one that I held for over two years. I can't come up with a solid reason for it, other than I truly wasn't happy anymore. Whether it was the job, or personal reasons, or both I can't quite pinpoint. Regardless, I was just unhappy.

Along my life's journey so far, I misstepped somewhere. Or maybe I didn't. Maybe I just outgrew the space I was occupying because I wasn't the same person anymore. Either way, I didn't fit into the life I had created anymore. Something was off. That feeling... that vibe resonated deeply inside me, and it disturbed my soul.

For the past few weeks stress and anxiety have lead me to believe that leaving that job was the biggest mistake I ever made. Maybe it was if you look at it from a certain point of view. Yes, it has led us to unexpected financial difficulty. It has brought me back to being a waitress.

But maybe this is a chance to remake what I had before, only better. Maybe it's a chance to go back and retrace my steps. Maybe it's a chance to find myself again, which is what I have strived to do this entire time. Somewhere in this new but familiar path I have chosen to walk down again, I will be able to see so much clearer, and maybe find whatever it was that I left behind, or overlooked. Find whatever led me to be right at the top, but so unhappy there. Learn to accept that the path to finding myself will always include things that will be hard to accept, but necessary to the journey. This time, I might find what I was meant to find before but somehow passed up.

Maybe this is my chance to be a better mom than I was. When my boys look at me, when they watch me, I want them to see an imperfect person who tries their best to get it right. I want them to see someone that smiles through the tears and never gives up. I want them to see me working hard, so they will know the value of hard work in the future. I want whatever they see when they are watching me to inspire them to be better, and to know that mistakes are made and are lessons, and not to punish themselves, but to become better for it. I want them to see a mother who loves them endlessly.

So today, I will go back to that restaurant, put on my apron, and start over. I have decided today to see this as a a second change, one that not everyone is given, or has the courage to take in the face of uncertainty.

Second chances don't always come the way you think they will, or the way you want them to. Second chances are preceded by chaos and struggles, the way all great changes are. Be brave, be strong, be positive, and be true to yourself. Take every day as it comes, stare those challenges down, and never ever give up, no matter what you have to do in the pursuit of happiness and in the journey to finding yourself. Keep going. That is my challenge to you today :)

Positive Vibes,

Stacy (WW)